choosing nonviolence

     Kristina Polukordene, who led a crisis counseling seminar for us in HEPI, jokingly called the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Paradise “the first migration crisis in human history.” It is a beautiful, multi-layered analogy that I have revisited many times since. I am a stranger in a strange land, and this is one of the central facts of my life in recent years. Over the two years of the war, this motif has not only gained new personal resonance for me but has become the leading theme of my practice. The biblical analogy helps me understand why talking about this is so difficult. The migrant experience inevitably forces us to look at ourselves anew, through the eyes of another—to “see that we are naked,” and thus, to feel shame. Living where we were born, we exist in a state of relative innocence; we are wrapped in a world of social connections, concepts, and things that feels unshakable and self-evident. Our place in that world seems natural, a given right. Migration s...

Escalation of violence is something nobody ever wants. For everyone involved, including the perpetrator, it is a very unfavourable development. That’s why it is unforeseeable until the very last moment for an unschooled onlooker: for sure, he wouldn’t do this, why would someone undermine their own position like that. However, do not mistake violent behaviour for an impulsive outburst.  Recent studies show , that agression doesn’t come from poor self-control, it is rather quite deliberate and requires self-discipline and calculation. It is instrumental, even though in the long term, the cost of it is always higher, than the short-term gains. However, the strategy of violence works out, if the other side loses even more, and faster, than the perpetrator. Violence is instrumental. It is the way to make someone do something they wouldn’t otherwise do. So, to predict an escalation you need two factors: first, the victim still has something the abuser needs. Second, last time the abuser ...

what if someone you love is stuck in an abusive relationship It can be very hard to support a friend or a loved one, when they are in an abusive relationship and aren’t ready to leave. May be they aren’t even ready to acknowledge the situation for what it is. You try to make them see things clearly. You get frustrated, maybe angry. You want to help, but it only hurts your friend and destroys your relationship. That happens a lot. On the other hand, in my experience, when someone reaches out for professional help in getting out - they always mention a friend or a relative, or a group of friends, who pushed them in that direction. So how do you become a supportive force? First of all, offer a space for normalcy. Be nice. Talk about something else entirely. If your friend has time to meet you - let that just be the time where they can feel good about themselves. If you are offering help, be very specific in setting the limits of what you are willing to do. I can watch your kids on Wednesd...