Things that help and things that don't

what if someone you love is stuck in an abusive relationship

It can be very hard to support a friend or a loved one, when they are in an abusive relationship and aren’t ready to leave. May be they aren’t even ready to acknowledge the situation for what it is. You try to make them see things clearly. You get frustrated, maybe angry. You want to help, but it only hurts your friend and destroys your relationship. That happens a lot. On the other hand, in my experience, when someone reaches out for professional help in getting out - they always mention a friend or a relative, or a group of friends, who pushed them in that direction. So how do you become a supportive force?

First of all, offer a space for normalcy. Be nice. Talk about something else entirely. If your friend has time to meet you - let that just be the time where they can feel good about themselves.

If you are offering help, be very specific in setting the limits of what you are willing to do. I can watch your kids on Wednesdays and Fridays in the afternoon. You can stay with me for this many weeks or nights, if you decide to leave him. You can call me during such and such hours. Figuring out other people’s boundaries is scary when you’re used to being punished for doing or saying something wrong, so don’t make your friend do it, just be upfront. “Whatever you need” is never true, and it doesn’t sound like truth to anyone.

Don’t say “you should leave him” or “I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of behaviour if I were you”, or “he doesn’t deserve you”. You’re just adding another thing to the list of things they cannot do. Abuse makes you feel incapable and worthless. In that state of mind, being unable to leave is just another reason why you don’t deserve any better. Tell them you know how hard it it to leave this kind of situation. Tell them you believe they’ll do it once they gather up enough strength.

However furious you are with the abuser, keep it to yourself. Don’t call them names. In an abusive relationship, you are enmeshed. Your self-worth is measured by you being connected to that other person, so if they are shit, that means you are an even lower shit. Don’t judge the abuser, judge their actions. This thing they are doing, it’s not ok. This is cruel. That is not a nice thing to say. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. This is not ok. Don’t be pushy and dramatic with this message. The aim isn't to make yourself heard, but rather to make your friend feel heard. You want to convince them they deserve respect, so above all - be respectful.

And the last thing, it should be really obvious, but I guess I have to say it. If you are trying to help someone get out of an abusive situation, and at the same time you feel like there’s a romantic and/or sexual undertone to your relationship - please, take a long hard look at yourself. How does it feel to be needed, to be a strong one in a relationship? Does vulnerability attract you? Does a debt of gratitude sound like a good basis for a partnership? If you are sure that it’s not about the power imbalance for you, that you actually truly like the person, then you need to step back, let them recover with the help of other people, let them rebuild their own sense of self. A good relationship doesn’t start like someone falling into someone’s arms, it starts like a dance, and for that, you both should be standing firmly on your feet, so wait for that. And in the meantime, go see a therapist maybe, learn to live with your own insecurities, too.